Saturday, April 23, 2011

Short Story edited final rough draft

Read this first before continuing...
Ok, here's the final edited rough draft I had Dr. Lyons look at on Thursday. He says the reader still doesn't know who Joey is, and now he says I'm missing a lot of good things from my original piece that could be used in this piece. So confused. Anyway, any help would be awesome.



In her dream, Alexandria swam naked from on coal black reef to the next, spanning nearly a football field. Puffs of white smoke pumped from buildings about half a mile from the water. She saw a ripple in the water near the reef across from her. Strange, she thought. She didn’t remember seeing anyone else with her. Perhaps it was a bird dipping for a quick meal, but there weren’t any she could see.
A figure beneath the cool water swam close to her. There was nothing near she could defend herself with, but Alexandria was quite capable of taking care of herself. The figure looped around her before a man emerged from the water in a swift motion. Joey, the man she had been secretly dating, stood before her. His cinnamon brown skin and long, coal black hair heralded to his Native American heritage. His body wasn’t like that of Fabio’s, but he wasn’t a couch potato either.
“I’ve been waiting for you,” he said, a mischievous smile spread across his square jaw.
Though dating wasn’t her forte, she much liked the cat and mouse game she and Joey played. Alexandria wanted a more peaceful life and decided to sell her condominium near the coast of Virginia for a three bed, two-bath vacation cabin sitting on ten acres of mostly wooded land and a private lake in Timber Lake, Washington. Mostly, it was to be rid of her ex-boyfriend, Bryan, after he broke her heart several times. She would no longer be his doormat, nor would Langley, their eighteen-year-old daughter.
Joey was different, though. Alexandria didn’t intend on dating him; it just happened. She had lived in her new home for several months before he asked her out on a date. Langley had already left for college in the Puget Sound, leaving Alexandria feeling lonely. Joey quickly filled that void with talk, dates and trips to places she had only dreamed of visiting but never had the chance to.
“I’ve been waiting a long time for you, Alexandria.”
She longed for Bryan to say those words. He gave her almost everything she ever wanted, but he wouldn’t commit. Instead, he played her like some cheap harpsichord and she allowed it. Joey was right in front of her, if only she could let go and really move on; though, that was no longer choice.
There were faint sounds of birds and waterfalls coming from around her, but it sounded like echoes. Alexandria closed her eyes, taking a deep breath of lavender and rosemary. A dim light pulsed behind Joey’s body, gradually increasing what seemed like the sun peeking out from behind the puffs of white smoke.
Reality clicked at her in the form of digits on her alarm clock, a triangle shaped device that awakens the owner with peaceful progression aromatherapy and nature sounds.[M2]  Groaning, Alexandria silently mocked her predicament. There was plenty of literature on how to deal with certain changes that were expected during pregnancy, but the one she never thought she would have to deal with were the strange sex dreams. According to one author, “a woman’s dreams will reflect how her body is discovering the new life it is creating, relishing in the pleasure, excitement and power she has never experienced before.” What Alexandria feared the most was how the dreams could be of any person she sees on the streets or in the building, a sort of goodbye to promiscuity, though she never cared to in such a manner.
 Alexandria crawled out of bed to attend to her typical morning routine. At home, she would have a quick bite and take a shower, attempting to maintain her Tawny Kitaen-like hairdo, which she never did on purpose but the humidity was different in the Pacific Northwest from the East Coast. Her hair literally looked like a great ball of fire, wavy, long and a giant mess.[M3] 
Her cellular made a loud thud as it vibrated off her nightstand.
“Hello?”
“Meet me for a morning smoothie or should I bring you one?” Joey asked mockingly.
“Professional—Joey, remember?”
“Two people come in separate vehicles that just happen to like the same smoothie stop before work. What’s not professional about that?”
Alexandria couldn’t help but smile, ending the call. She really liked Joey, but he tested her patience at time. She wanted their appearance to be as professional as possible, though Joey mentioned to her, once or twice before, that everyone already knew. Still, Alexandria liked to remain as professional as possible; more or less and attempt to prove she was as great an asset as she sold herself to be.
With many accommodations in her file, Alexandria was one of the best Investigators to leave Timber Lake could have hired, next to Joey, that was. However, Joey, born Joseph Whitecloud, was more on loan from the local Indian reservation than he was a full pledged employee. He told Alexandria he was tired of working both on and off the reservation and told the police chief he needed to either promote someone or find someone who could share the large workload. Law Enforcement on the reservation meant dealing with the federal government, when the crime warranted it, which meant more paperwork than he was willing to deal with.
“Professional also means not showing up at the same time,” Alexandria said as she climbed out of her jeep.
“Does it really matter if I’m paying?”
She could never say no to him, especially when he stared at her with his pale-blue eyes. It was odd to see a man with a dark complexion having eyes that were normally seen on an Englishman or Scotsman. He had given her a long history of his background, named two “pale-faces” that entered his bloodline giving the result of a ruggedly handsome Indian with pale eyes.
They ordered, had a quick chat and left for work. To aid in her endeavor of professionalism, Alexandria stopped for gas before continuing her normal routine. Tapping her nails against her lips, she pondered how she would tell Joey she was pregnant. She knew he wanted to be a part of a family, a dream he told her once since he had no family of his own. His story was sad and brought tears to her eyes as she finished pumping gas.
Joey was barely a teenager when his parents died in a car accident. They were sober, but the one survivor, the driver of the other vehicle, blew well over the legal limit. His parents left everything to him, the land their family had owned since the wars surrounding the Oregon Treaty, a log cabin built sometime in the 1860s, and whatever equipment was used to maintain the land. His grandmother had taken care of him for some time until her death, shortly after Joey had graduated from college.
Alexandria didn’t know how to tell him. He was different from Bryan. He was kind, gentle, and always concerned about her. It irritated her at times, more so because of his views on pregnant police officers. He often repeated to her his dislike of pregnant women and guns. The thought brought about an image of patriots living on a compound, the mother and father armed to the teeth with their umpteen amount of children standing in front of them.
The day had gone by smoothly. Alexandria made it to work a few minutes after Joey, no smoothie in hand. She made a beeline for her office, knowing there were plenty of cases to work on and no doubt plenty of messages from the citizens of Timber Lake that needed her expertise as soon as possible. Timber Lake was a small town, but the crime quickly made up for what it lacked.
Timber Lake had everything a person needed, with the exception of a mall; you had to travel the five and loop around the Sound for any decent shopping. Most of the crime involved land disputes, but there was the occasional breaking and entering to residential and commercial buildings, domestic violence, selling of drugs, etc. It didn’t matter the location, there was still plenty of work for Alexandria to attend to.
Making a few phone calls, going over statements and pictures, and doing some footwork Alexandria was able to close half a dozen cases by the end of the day. She barely saw Joey, which gave her plenty of time to decide how she would tell him why she had been avoiding for the past few weeks. Morning sickness, in her case all day sickness, was only supposed to last through the end of the first trimester, giving Alexandria another week or two of saying she still wasn’t feeling up to company.
“How about dinner tonight?” Joey asked, meeting Alexandria in the parking lot.
“I’m still not feeling all that great,” she hesitated.
“Alex? Is something wrong?”
“I’m not a boy, Joseph.”
Alexandria disliked it when people called her by a nickname. She may not have been that girl who wore pink and had her nails done and her hair in cute pigtails, but she was still a girl. Joey had only remarked once or twice he was named after his great grandfather, a proud man with a strong name, but he often stated they weren’t the same.
“Then give me a reason why you have been avoiding me for the past few weeks.”
She wanted to tell him at that moment, but there were too many people around. No one needed to know their business. It was a private matter that she wanted to explain to him, she just didn’t know how.
“Joey. I’m not avoiding you on purpose. I seriously haven’t been feeling very good. Haven’t you seen me tossing back the antacids?”
“I’ve been meaning to ask you about that. Are you seeing someone for that?”
“Let me go home and take a nap. If I’m feeling better later we can make some dinner plans.”
Alexandria waved him goodbye and headed for home. She was in serious need of some rest and relaxation, but she had to make a quick stop by the doctor’s office before anything else. One of the messages sitting on her desk was an urgent message from her obstetrician. To avoid any misunderstandings and possible office gossip, she asked the nurse to call her cellular, but her requests had constantly gone unheeded.
“You’re cutting it a little short aren’t you dear?” The nurse chirped.
“Well, you can never cut time short when dealing with keeping the community safe.” Alexandria attempted a joke, but it sounded funnier in her head.
“Dr. Goldie is waiting for you in his office,” she stated.
Alexandria made her way back to Dr. Goldie’s office, finding him sitting behind his desk in a leather chair reading over a few notes. She sat down, waiting for him to acknowledge her presence. His bedside manner needed a little work, but his record had proved remarkable, especially in cases of emergency.
“The ultrasound technician tells me you ran out shortly after she finished taking measurements of the fetus,” he stated.
“There was an emergency,” she stated, hardly feeling she needed to give him anymore than that.

He handed her the printouts that showed a black hole with what Alexandria thought was the head and possibly feet, but it was hard to tell without any proper training in radiology.
“Is there a history of multiple births in yours or the father’s family?”
“I’m sorry?”
“Multiples. As in twins, triplets, quadruplets…”
“Stop right there.”
A wave of nausea came over Alexandria and she had to place her head between her knees. She was barely showing, still just a tiny bump, but she couldn’t imagine she was carrying more than one child. She looked at the print out again, taking note of the two white blurbs that seemed to merge. It wasn’t one baby but two.
“I have some dietary menus for women who are pregnant with multiples. There isn’t much difference between a woman who is only carrying one fetus, but you will need to pack on extra vitamins and nutrients. Also, you will start feeling the need for more sleep, which may begin to interfere with your job.”
“Thank you doctor.”
Alexandria left before he could say anything else. The one problem with being in a small town was how quickly news spread. She hoped the Hippocratic Oath still meant something or Joey would no doubt be hearing the news from some unlikely source before Alexandria has a chance to say something.
She made it home and decided to make some chicken soup from scratch. Adding what ingredients she had to her crock pot, Alexandria called Joey and asked him to join her, bringing a few ingredients along with him to finish the soup. She wasn’t sure how she would tell him, but he had every right to know what was going on with her, why she had been acting so strange for the past few weeks and what her plans were.
Alexandria hadn’t thought that far ahead yet herself. What was she going to do when she really started showing? How was her boss going to react? Did she want to keep her job while raising twins?
Twins were rare in her family, as far as she knew. While in college, one of her professors asked the class to do research on their family tree. It was more science based as the current topic was on the human family tree; the idea that every man and woman could be traced back to Scientific Adam and Eve from Africa some sixty thousand years ago. While pursuing the information, Alexandria came upon her private family tree and discovered less than a half dozen twins on the matrilineal side.
“The soup smells good,” Joey smiled, waiting for Alexandria to invite him in.
“It’s still going to be a while, but I thought I would get started on it now.”
Joey followed her to the kitchen, putting down the bags of food on the chopping block and donning an apron. Alexandria laughed at how comfortable he felt wearing a purple-plaid, frilly edged apron.
“Just don’t be taking any pictures to the guys at work. I have a reputation to keep.”
She giggled at his attempt at sounding macho. He was a very masculine, but Joey wasn’t afraid to show how domestic he could be either. It was his grandmother that made him respect how a woman could do anything a man could do, but a man couldn’t do everything a woman could do.
“Like what?”
“What do you mean “like what?””
“What did your grandmother tell you a woman can do that a man can’t?”
“A man doesn’t know how to make good fry bread.”
“Don’t ask me to. I didn’t grow up on the reservation like most of the women you know. Ask them to make you some fry bread.”
“My cousins could teach you if you wanted to learn.”
That was the first mention he ever made about her meeting his family. She was a little stunned at the thought. [M4] It shouldn’t have frightened her, but for some reason it did.
“What else can a woman do that a man can’t?”
“A man can love a woman, but only a woman is able to sustain life.”
“Smart woman.”
“Ouch.”
Alexandria ran to the sink with a bloody finger. She hadn’t paid attention while cutting up some celery while listening to Joey. It wasn’t deep enough for stitches, but she was sure it wouldn’t stop bleeding until the cold water made her finger numb and she could bandage it.
“I envy you and Bryan.”
She gave him a hurtful look.
“He may have hurt you and you may have strong feelings against him, but that doesn’t change what happened between the two of you.”
“You mean Langley.”
“I heard from Loretta last week.”
The change of subject was like a slap to the face. One minute they were talking about how she was lucky enough to have bore a child and the next was his ex-something or other. Alexandria wasn’t clear on the details of Loretta.
“She asked me if I wanted to come for a visit.”
“Why would she ask you that?”
Alexandria felt a surge of jealousy, but she didn’t understand why. They had been dating for over a year now, he had just mentioned about her meeting his family. Why would Loretta pose a problem?
“I think Loretta’s brother may have said something to her.”
“Oh.”
“I’m not fooling around, with anybody. I just thought you might want to know before you heard something from somebody else.”
Wasn’t that her line? Wasn’t that how she was supposed to break the news to him? Alexandria could barely keep her thoughts straight, but she needed to be smart about this.
“You don’t have to explain anything to me. You know about my past and I know about yours, sort of. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter, right? You’re here right now and that’s what counts.”
“Not just right now, Alexandria.
She wasn’t afraid [M6] He wasn’t Bryan and that had to count for something. She couldn’t compare the two of them anymore, no matter how this turned out. Joey was a responsible man that just proved no one else mattered, so why couldn’t she get passed it.
“I know how close you were to Loretta, and then there were the other two women. Even you told me you couldn’t handle being alone.”
Joey fidgeted.
“But because of Langley I somehow fit that mold?”
“You’re not about partying and wanting only a good time. You have lived through responsibility and have matured because of it. I may not have known you before Langley, but some of those pictures you’ve showed me paint a great picture of rebellion and independence.”
Alexandria laughed at his idea of her when she was younger. She fought her parents every step of the way when she was sixteen going on thirty. Langley did change everything, and while she tried to make it work with Bryan, Alexandria had grown from both the experiences. Her parents tried to warn her about life and how things wouldn’t always turn out how she wanted them to, but Alexandria assumed once a baby was involved people stayed together.
“I know they aren’t part of your life anymore and that’s not why I’ve been pushing [M9] you away. Actually, I’m not trying to push [M10] you away at all. I seriously haven’t been feeling very well at all.”
“I can figure a cold or flu lasting a couple weeks, maybe three weeks. Whatever is wrong has lasted much longer.”
“Stay the night with me, please. I’ll explain everything in the morning, if you wish.”
They enjoyed dinner a couple hours later. The night had ended, both of them finding comfort in each other’s arms. Laying there, Alexandria didn’t think about the next morning or what the future might bring. She only thought about how warm and safe she felt in Joey’s arms.
The next morning, Alexandria grabbed the ultrasound printouts and lay them on the pillows while Joey was taking a shower. [M11] It was the beginning of the weekend, giving Alexandria ideas on what she could do before Joey made his decision. She left without a word, knowing Joey would stop her before she made it out the door, and drove to the local bookstore. Much of the literature she bought came from the local bookstore, but most of it did have to ordered.
By the time Alexandria gave up looking for a book that could help her understand pregnancy with twins, Joey had called her nearly a dozen times, left her a few messages and texted her in-between. She knew he was furious and knew dealing with him later wouldn’t be easy, but being barraged with, “why didn’t you tell me sooner,” or “why would you hide this from me” wasn’t ideal.
Alexandria didn’t know what she was thinking when she sent a quick message to Joey telling him what she was doing, though she left out the detail about her heading to the bookstore near the capitol. She was determined to find any book that explained in big bold letters what she was supposed to do. Was she supposed to retire? She did have nearly twenty years in as an investigator. Money wasn’t an issue if she did decide to spend her time at home; her condo had sold for nearly double what she paid for it originally, slightly less than the actual appraisal estimate.
There were a few selections at the other bookstore to choose from: Having twins, Two at a Time, Emotionally Healthy Twins, Twinspiration, and one that struck her as particularly odd, Adventures in Tandem Nursing. The cover showed a cartoon mom dressed as a superhero flying through the air with a toddler on her hip and a baby in a sling. Alexandria remembered nursing Langley, some days were good while others were a challenge; she couldn’t imagine how difficult it would be with two babies demanding sustenance and her attention.
She couldn’t think about that at the moment. The thought of how to actually deal with and care for twins was still far enough in the future. A wave of fear and the sudden need to throw up overwhelmed her. Alexandria chewed a couple antacids, bought a couple books on dealing with the pregnancy, and headed home.
“I can’t do this alone.”
That was all she said when she called Joey and quickly hung up. She didn’t want to hear the hurt in his voice, nor the anger. He had every right to be angry at her, and Alexandria accepted that, but she hoped he would understand why she did things the way she had. Hoping their time together gave them both a better perspective on each other, Alexandria eased her worries knowing Joey would be happy. Not just happy, but thrilled everything he dreamt of having was coming to face.
His truck was gone. Only Alexandria’s jeep was parked in the driveway of her home. Perhaps Joey was on his way to the bookstore she had just left, she thought, knowing he would try to catch her there before waiting for her to come home. Her home felt empty without Joey waiting there for her, his arms waiting to embrace her, no yelling, and no questions.
Alexandria sat on the edge of the couch, resting her head in her hands. Her actions caused her the greatest heartbreak she would ever know. As quickly as the tears started they stopped. There was a book and note on the coffee table sitting in front of her. After opening the note, Alexandria immediately recognized Joey’s handwriting.
That was the first declaration of love. Alexandria assumed the feeling was mutual between them, but the words were never said. She put down the note and picked up the book. There was a picture of woman dressed as a superhero holding a toddler in one arm and a baby in a sling.






 [M1]Add 3rd principle character. Bryan may not be enough.

 [M2]Need to add her waking up. The transition between dream to her eyes being open is awkward.

 [M3]Let the hair paint imagery of feistiness. Some Native American lore believe a white woman with red hair is feisty but also a witch.

 [M4]This is already insinuated with previous dialogue

 [M5]Tonto-ish. Joey is becoming a wooden Indian chief.

 [M6]Don’t mention commitment in fiction

 [M7]Dr. Phil

 [M8]Dr. Phil. Why not add Loretta in the mix as the 3rd party that causes problems?

 [M9]Dr. Phil

 [M10]Dr. Phil

 [M11]Previous sentence insinuates this

 [M12]Shorten note, fuck it up. Add Loretta. Add a declaration of love towards Alexandria.

Short Story Final rough draft

So this is the edited version of my final rough draft. You will see what's been deleted and what's been added. Dr. Lyons, my creative writing professor, said the readers still don't know anything about Joey, my antagonist. I'm so confused because this is in 3rd person omniscient. How do you explain your antagonist from your protagonist's p.o.v. without it seeming too narrative? Dr. Lyons says all narration is plot, and you will see my once 20 pages reduced to 13 pages is a lot of plot. Anyway, any thoughts or tips how I'm supposed to make my readers know my antagonist through my protagonist's view, that would be great.


In her dream, ShAlexandria swam in the bluest lagoon she had ever seen,naked from one coal black reef to the next, spanning nearly a football field. The sky was beautiful, she thought, clear and sunny without a cloud in sight, but she noticed puffs of white smoke coming from behind her. [M1] There were buildings about half a mile from the water, but there were no people she could see, just puffs of white smoke. She looked around, thinking she was alone,[M2]  but there was a ripple in the water near the reef across from her. Strange, she thought. She didn’t remember seeing anyone else with her. Perhaps it was a bird dipping for a quick meal, but there weren’t any she could see.
A figure beneath the cool water swam close to her. There was nothing around her to defend herself with, but that didn’t matter; she was quite capable of taking care of herself. The figure looped around her., making her aware she was naked.[M3]  A man emerged from the water in a swift motion; his long, coal black hair hanging near his elbows, water dripping from his cinnamon brown skin cascading down his perfectly chiseled body.[M4] 
“I’ve been waiting for you,” he saysJoey said, a mischievous smile spread across his square jaw.
She gasped. Of all the places she could be, he had to be here too.[M5]  She moved across the country to live a peaceful more quiet life, to get away from the one man that broke her hearther ex[M6] , the one man that was in and out of their daughter’s life whenever he felt like it., and now she’s in some strange place with the man she She wanted to fill that void.[M7]  He didn’t feel the same way though, at least that’s what she told herself when she found out about his many conquests[M8] , feeling  a fool for becoming one of them.
“I’ve been waiting a long time for you, Alexandria.”
The words she longed to hear her entire life, but this wasn’t real. This was what she wanted, but it couldn’t be real.[M9]  Ever. He would never commit to just her, and she wouldn’t ask him to. It had to be his choice, his decision to be happy with her, but she didn’t expect that from him. He would be miserable being with just one woman and she couldn’t be with a man that was miserable for her sake.[M10] 
There was a faint sound of birds and a waterfall coming from around her, but it sounded like an echo, making it difficult to pinpoint the location of the sound. A dim light pulsed behind his body, gradually increasing into what seemed like the sun peeking out from behind the puffs of white smoke. She closed her eyes, shielding them from the blinding light.
There was a silent mimicking laughter[M11] clicking from the digits on her clock as she peeked through her lids. Groaning, Alexandria squeezed her eyes shut one more time, slapping the pyramid shaped alarm clock but knocked the lamp off the nightstand instead. Peaceful progressive piece of junk, she thought. The sounds of birds chirping a beautiful melody and the sweet smell of aromas to entice the owner to wake up peacefully, with the progressive brightening of a light that imitated the sunrise was too good to be true. It did its job, but there was still that one part of the device that reminded her of the real world.[M12] 
Cleaning up quickly, she looked at herself in the mirror, styling a hairdo only Tawny Kitaen[M13] , the ex-wife of the lead singer of Whitesnake who appeared in many of the band’s music videos, would be jealous of; not even a comb could tame that mess. Her morning progressed easily as she finished getting ready for work, donning a pair of khaki slacks, a white buttoned up shirt she tucked in and a pair of boots. Her leather jacket easily covered the police issued firearm she holstered on the back of her slacks.[M14] 
Langley wasn’t messy as a teenager, no posters of her favorite actor, singer, or group hung on the wall, no notes with initials and hearts littered the mirror. Maybe it was a different time when she was her daughter’s age, Alexandria thought. She remembered her room being darker, posters of several “hair bands” all over her walls, pictures of her and some friends in braces and their hair in pony-tails off to the side, and yearbooks marked by everyone and anyone that could possibly even leave a message, usually something like “see you next fall,” “it was nice knowing you. Hope to see you sometime in the future” or the infamous “I’m the first one to sign your crack.” Those were different days, but were they so different now?
[M15] Alexandria continued her morning routine: locking up the house, driving her jeep to the local health foods store where she stopped for her morning smoothie, stopped for gas on her way to work and made the, what was slowly becoming overwhelming, decision to enter the police station. She enjoyed her job, but the thought of seeing Joey repeatedly was enough to put her teeth on edge.[M16] 
She found it odd that a man with such a dark complexion had eyes normally seen on an Englishman or Scotsman. He gave had givern her a long history of his family background, named two “pale-faces” that entered his bloodline giving the result of a ruggedly handsome Indian with pale eyes. He was charming, at least that was what Alexandria thought in the beginning, but now he was just another man with an agenda; looking for a way to get into her pants.[M25] 
Blowing out a puff of air, Alexandria climbed out of her jeep, not too hard for her since she was slightly above the average height for women. Entering the police station, she made a beeline for her office, avoiding Joey at all costs. It had been very hard for the past few months to avoid him; after all, they did work together.
Sitting down at her desk the once thin case file now full of notes Alexandria had been working on was taunting her.[M26]  Shortly after arriving in Timber Lake, a small town[M27]  in the Pacific Northwest sitting just west of the Sound, Alexandria immediately started working on some old cases, typically called cold cases. These cases have been exhausted to[M28]  every avenue possible but have not been solved due to lack of cooperation with the authorities[M29] , sometimes due to lack of hard evidence. The officers or investigators who originally worked on the case did everything they were able to do, but sometimes the community will not be as helpful or the evidence the officers or investigators have may not be credible enough to hold up in court.[M30] 
There was a knock at the door. Before thinking clearly, Alexandria told the person on the other side of the door to come in. A sweet, musky smell flirted with her nose, her senses immediately flaring out. She knew who stood in front of her, the man she had been trying to escape from for many months, the man that haunts her dreams nearly[M31]  every night. He stood in front of her; a devilish smirk squared his very masculine features.
 “Hi Lexi.”
He Joey didn’t even respect her enough to call her by her actual name. There wasn’t any real reason why Alexandria hated having her name shortened. It annoyed her, she admitted, but only because Joey is the only one that has ever shortened her name in so many different ways. There was Alex, Lex, Lexi, Dria, Ria and Andria. She was sure there were more, but she was so aggravated with him taking the liberty in calling her whatever he felt like instead of him asking what he should call her. He knew exactly what to call her, too. She told him more than a hundred times what her name is, but he continued to ignore her every time she said something.
“What do you want?” [M32] Alexandria growled[M33] , completely bypassing her annoyance of his use of a nickname. Maybe if she ignored him he would just go away, she thought.
“Somebody wake up on the wrong side of the bed?” he teased.
She wished the move came with a warning: You will sleep with the only hot man within fifty [M35] miles and he will drive you insane for all eternity, or death, whichever comes first. Alexandria enjoyed the change of scenery, not to mentionbut her new office wasn’t as equipped as her previous place of employment, but she enjoyed the low-tech atmosphere.
“Is there something you needed?” Alexandria asked begrudgingly. “I know we both have plenty of work to take care of, so if you wouldn’t mind, I would like to continue with my work.”
He finally took the hint, Alexandria sighed. She didn’t like distractions, and she especially didn’t like Joey. He broke her heart and to her that meant absolutely everything. There was this innate need for an intact family, and Langley’s father failed to provide that for both her and Alexandria. Keeping herself busy for the next twenty years, Alexandria didn’t have a need for relationships, not even the need for one-night stands. She kept herself too busy and knew as a person in law enforcement, that she would analyze every little thing about a civilian.
 Where did that put Joey? He obviously wasn’t a civilian, but perhaps it was the idea that he was something she had never really ventured towards. Perhaps it was also the fact that he didn’t know her yet and wasn’t in any way intimidated by her lack of real femininity. At least, that was how Langley’s father had put it[M37]  to her one night.
Alexandria accepted that fact a long time ago. She would never be the belle of the ball, know how to function as a proper lady or even walk properly in a gown, let alone a pair of heels. She tried on a pair of Langley’s wedges and nearly broke her neck. She eyed a pair of two-inch pumps with an open toe and managed to wobble only a little before eyeing the stripper-like stilettos. Alexandria knew better, she wouldn’t survive one-step without falling flat on her face.
Laughing at the memory of a failed fashion walk, [M38] Alexandria found her mind drifting back to Joey. What was it about him that really made her want him? She wasn’t drunk that night, not even a sip of champagne. They were both completely sober and willing parties to the one time intimate affair. She attended a party with her daughter the night before meeting with Joey again. Alexandria stopped counting how many dates they had been on, it didn’t really matter; they were both grown adults.
Alexandria was exhausted, with everything. Her caseload, the need for uninterrupted sleep, preferably the kind that didn’t include any sort of dreams, Joey. She lied lay her head down on her desk and closed her eyes. Her vacation couldn’t come any quicker. Today was her final day at work before she took a week off. Joey could get by without her, it wasn’t like they really needed her help, though Joey insisted she took a huge weight off his shoulders.
“Are you feeling alright?”
Alexandria didn’t have to look up to know it was Joey[M40] . He had a knack for entering a room completely silent, part of his native instincts he often joked. She tried to wish him away, hoping if she ignored him long enough he would get the message, but that never worked. It was pointless to ignore him and she knew that, but she didn’t have to agree with it.
“I’m fine,” she sighed. “I just need some sleep, that’s all. I have too much to do and my vacation can’t get here fast enough.”
“What are you planning on doing?”
Hesitating to answer him, it didn’t really matter. Either she told him or when he called the house Langley would tell him. “I plan on sleeping. I can’t think of anything better to do with my free time than to catch up on my sleep the first couple of nights. Then maybe I can take care of those repairs I’ve been meaning to do.”
“Let’s go get some lunch?”
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
“I think it’s a fine idea. Plus, I want to talk. All you have to do is listen to what I have to say. Whatever your decision, it’s your decision.”
“Please Joey, would you drop it.”
“No, I won’t. I need you to listen to what I have to say and you can decide for yourself what you want to do with the information I give you.”
He was being awfully cryptic, but that was Joey. He wasn’t the type to just throw it at you. He liked to play games; though Alexandria wanted to hate him for it, she accepted his invitation. If this was the way to be rid of him finally, at least in a personal nature, she would gladly take him up on his offer. Being the gentleman he is outside of the office, he would no doubt pay for their meal.[M41] 
She grabbed her antacids from her desk, a necessity for the past two weeks, sent a quick message to her daughter that she had lunch plans and grabbed her coat. Alexandria wasn’t sure what would come of this, but she hoped it would have something to do with Joey finally realizing he couldn’t have her andhe could move on. Maybe this would put an end to her restless nights and the fantasies her mind created each night while she slept.
He put his fork down and took several gulps of his water as if he was choking. Was he nervous? Whatever he had to say it was taking him a lot of effort to go through with it. He seemed like a nervous high school boy waiting for his prom date to come down from her room or a man preparing to propose to the love of his life and doesn’t know if she will really say yes. He looked pitiful and as much as she wanted to laugh at him, it worried her a little.
“I suppose I should say what I have to say and be done with it.”
Alexandria gave him a quizzical look before relaxing. Some of what he said she already knew. He explained about his past, why he did what he did and why he stopped. He wanted to find something meaningful, and none of the women he had met wanted what he wanted. He, as well as his conquests, was nothing more than a quick call and an easy bang. None of it made him happy though, so he stopped everything and focused more on his work, home and land.[M42] 
What came next took her by surprise. She could barely breathe as he continued to speak. He unloaded everything, his entire life [M43] crammed into her ears. What he really wanted but was afraid he couldn’t have it because of the mistakes in his past. He shared every wish and desire, everything he believed he could have with her. Butterflies flitted through her stomach.  And her Breathing breathing became hard and she wasn’t sure if she could take much more.
It was everything she wanted, but with a man she didn’t want to trust. Was it that she didn’t trust him, couldn’t or wouldn’t? Didn’t each word mean the same thing? [M44] She ran away, as quickly as she could, unable to hold her food down any longer. She felt more embarrassed for the reputation of the restaurant than she did for herself. It wasn’t the food that made her feel sick.
“Are you ok?” [M45] Joey asked, placing a wet cloth on the back of her neck and holding her hair.
She tried to yell at him to get the hell out of the ladies room but she wasn’t finished. Her stomach was determined to empty itself of all its contents. The heaving had become too much and she could barely hold herself up.
“Is everything okay in there?” A woman nervously asked, no doubt the manager but Alexandria didn’t take the time to investigate.
“We thought she was over the bug, that’s all,” Joey curtly stated.
“I’ll let the doctor know you’re awake,” the nurse said before pulling the curtain just passed the view of the door.
Alexandria tried to piece together what she could remember, but her head hurt too much and she felt ready to wretch again. She wondered where Joey was and if he brought her to the local hospital or took her to Timber Lake Regional. Feeling alone and out of sorts, Alexandria tried to reach for her purse, hoping to find her cell phone, but it was no use. Her body felt lethargic, almost to the point of muscle failure. Each movement was followed by a tremble, a shock wave resonating through each limb. Her brain’s way of saying, “Hey stupid! You have no energy and all your reserves are back at the restaurant.”
Looking around for any clues as to where she might be, Alexandria finally spotted the room phone. Hopefully it would be as helpful as a hotel room with some semblance of information as to where she was, but there was nothing, not even a little slip of paper beneath plastic with the digits of that phone.
“You should still be resting.”
Joey looked almost as bad as she did. Was he feeling sick too? Maybe she really did have a bug and he was starting to feel the same affects. Alexandria wouldn’t wish this on her worst enemy.
“You really gave me a scare,” he sighed, sitting down in a chair and resting his head against the wall. “Have you been drinking enough water? You know, staying hydrated. You started mumbling something in the car on the way over here, but I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.”
“Where exactly is here?” she asked.
“I brought you back home,” he answered. “It was thirty minutes either way. Figured you’d rather be here anyway.”
“And Langley?”
“I haven’t told her yet, but I’m sure word will spread fast. They’re smart enough to put two and two together.”
“Are you feeling alright? You look a little peaked.”
“Alexandria, you gave me the biggest scare of my life. I was telling you everything and you…”
The doctor came in before Joey could finish. Alexandria was thankful he left the room before she would have to ask him to. What the doctor had to say was going to stay between the two of them. If Alexandria felt comfortable enough telling Joey what was said, she would.
“We’re going to run a few more tests and give you more fluids,” the doctor stated as he looked over some papers. “Someone will be by soon to take you to radiology for an ultrasound. I want to make sure there is nothing ruptured or any other damage before we send you home. How is your breathing?”
“I feel a little stuffy,” she answered. “I don’t think I can move. I’ve tried stretching a little but I feel like I’ve reached muscle failure.”
“Going off of what your friend told us,” the doctor paused, “I’d say that’s pretty much how your body feels. Someone will be by to irrigate your nose. The stuffiness is most likely due to dried blood.”
“Dried blood?”
“Does your nose normally bleed whenever you vomit?”
“I can’t even remember the last time I was sick. I don’t think my nose has ever bled.”
“I’ll have an ENT come by to take a look, but it’s probably nothing.”
After the doctor left, Joey sat for a few minutes before Langley came busting through the door. It was a comedy of errors when dealing with Langley’s hysterics. The lab tech had to grab a few more things before taking any blood but Joey had escorted him and his bloody, no doubt broken, nose out of the room. However, not before Langley tripped over his legs, attempted to correct herself, and went gut first into the sink.
“I’m fine,” Langley squeaked. “Just give me a few minutes.”
Alexandria calmed her daughter down, wishing Langley had inherited her family’s ability to remain calm in every situation. She told her daughter everything that happened, not what Joey said but everything after that. Alexandria wanted to keep that part private until she had more time to analyze it further. Before the radiology tech arrived to whisk her away, Alexandria convinced Langley to go home and make a pot of soup, certain that she would have a small appetite when she returned home.
“This gel may be a little cold when I put it on your stomach,” the tech warned.
Alexandria stiffened at the tiny little shock of the gel, but she quickly relaxed. She lied on the cushioned table draped with a single sheet and waited for the tech to finish. He moved the wand around a bit and took a few pictures before handing her some paper towels to wipe her stomach. Alexandria returned to her room where Joey had fallen asleep in the same chair he was sitting in before. This time, however, he moved the chair so his legs wouldn’t be in the way.
“The doctor will be in here soon,” the nurse stated as she checked over vitals. “He wants to send you home once he goes over a few things. The bathroom is in the corner so you can change.”
Once the nurse left, Alexandria woke Joey up and asked him if he would step outside so she could change. He pulled the curtain and closed the door behind him. She moved slowly, her body still feeling lethargic and very stiff. Once she had finished making herself presentable, she patiently waited for the doctor to send her home.
“All your tests came back fine,” he smiled. “Your white blood count is normal, so there’s no sign of an infection.”
“So I can go home?”
“I just want to go over a few things your friend wasn’t able to answer.”
The doctor started going down the list the patient or nurse normally fills out. The questions were all typical and she easily answered them like a well-rehearsed play. However, she stumbled on one question, something that she’s never seen on those lists before. Maybe not that specific question but a question like it.
“I’m sorry,” she stumbled.
“Who is your gynecologist?” The doctor asked again.
“I’m not sure. I just see who ever is available.”
“When was the last time you saw a gynecologist?”
“Maybe six months ago. I needed an exam to get on birth control.”
“Pill form?”
“Yes.”
“Are you still taking them?”
“Four cycles a year is like heaven.”
“You need to stop taking the pills. I strongly recommend a follow up with your doctor to begin your prenatal care.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Here are the ultrasound pictures. The fetuses measures about four months.”
“I’m sorry?”
“Here is your proof of pregnancy form their office will need to send to your insurance.”
The doctor walked out quickly, Alexandria noticed. Was this a joke? She was nearly forty years old. She was too old to have a baby, let alone multiples, not to mention she was on birth control. Was she part of that ten percent that birth control failed? She didn’t remember ever forgetting her pill. Alexandria took it and her vitamins religiously. There was no way she could possibly be pregnant. She was always careful; though it had been some time since she was ever intimate with anyone, she wasn’t stupid.
There it was, all the proof she needed. Her name in little white letters, today’s date, the estimate height and weight of the thing growing inside of her. Not a thing, a baby. Not just a baby, but possibly twins? There was more than one baby growing inside of her nearly half century old body. Age never meant a thing to her before. It was just a number, but now it meant everything. Alexandria knew she was more than healthy enough to carry; she was in the best shape of her life. In even better shape than when she was pregnant with Langley, but was the rest of her healthy enough?
Age became a factor when dealing with pregnancies due to certain conditions like down’s syndrome. There were other factors as well, she was sure of it or the medical community wouldn’t constantly warn women about the dangers of being pregnant after the age of thirty-five. What was she going to do?
Alexandria may not have been a religious person, but she didn’t believe in alternatives. Abortion was out of the question, there was more than one human living and breathing through her. It, not it, the babies had as much a right to live as she did. She didn’t believe much in adoption either. Sure, there are plenty of people out in the world who wanted a baby but couldn’t have one, but Alexandria couldn’t handle knowing someone out there would be raising the babies she carried for nine months and gave birth to.[M47] 
What would Langley say? How would she feel? When her daughter hears the news, how will she react? Alexandria already knew the answer to that one; hysterics abound in the  near future. This was going to be a mess. How would Joey feel? Especially after everything he said to her earlier.
Alexandria stuffed everything in her purse and left the room. Joey was waiting near the door and fell into step next to her. She avoided eye contact with him altogether. How did she tell the man she had hated[M48]  for the past, almost, five months that she was going to have his babies? Joey told her he already accepted the fact a long time ago that he would never have a family of his own, but he accepted the idea that someday he could be part of a family.
He had every right to know, but Alexandria was afraid how he would react. Would he run away, like Langley’s father, or would he stick around and actually be there? Of course he would stick around, he wanted a family of his own. On the dates they had, Joey often talked about how he felt he missed his chance to settle down when he was younger[M49] . The job became number one in his life.
Alexandria mostly did her work at the desk, but before her transfer, she worked outside the office on numerous occasions. Her job took her many places, some she wished she could forget about. Being pregnant, she wouldn’t be able to do any of that. How would Joey feel about her doing that after the babies were born?
He drove her home in silence. Joey tried to strike up a conversation, but Alexandria couldn’t move her mouth. If she attempted to speak, she was afraid she might start crying, then what would he think of her? Would that matter? If she told him the truth, she would see his true colors. [M51] 
“How about I stop by sometime next week to help you with those repairs?”
“I would…” There it was, the first tremble of her lips. She couldn’t say anymore without making a fool of herself.
He pulled up to her house and walked around to her door. She remembered this when they were dating. Joey would open the doors for her all the time, help her into her seat and help her up from wherever she was sitting. He was a real gentleman. Would he be the same after she told him, or would he become one of those overbearing, protective first time fathers?
Joey held out his hands and pulled her into his arms. He smelled good and felt warm. She couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. They poured out of her like running water. [M52] Her heart felt like it was ripping in half, leaving her feeling guilty and needing his reassurance all at the same time.
She nodded.
“When you’re ready, I want you tell me everything.”[M53] 
Pushing away, Alexandria looked up at him and smiled. He wiped away at her face before she stumbled towards the front door. She hadn’t realized her legs were still so weak. Joey lifted her up easily and headed straight for her bedroom. Alexandria rolled away from him and curled into a ball as he lied lay her down. He stood there for a moment before leaving her alone.[M54] 
When she woke up, it was still daylight. There were noises coming from downstairs. Langley must have been cleaning up the dishes. Alexandria felt a wave of sickness coming, probably because she was so hungry. Making her way down to the kitchen, she could smell the chicken soup filling the air, taunting her senses. Another wave of sickness came, but she didn’t care. She only wanted to eat so she could start to feel better.
In the kitchen, Joey was underneath the sink fixing the garbage disposal Alexandria had been meaning to replace. She grabbed a bowl and served herself some soup. Her stomach was already beginning to feel better after the first couple of bites. He stood up and smiled at her before he put everything back underneath the sink.
“Langley showed me your list,” he stated. “I hope you don’t mind me coming by today?”
“Today?”
“You slept all night. It’s Saturday, the first day of your vacation.”
“I slept all night?”
“I suspected you would after the day you had yesterday. I’m really glad you are feeling a little better today.”
The next few days went by quickly, each day Joey returning to repair something else Alexandria had been meaning to fix. It was encouraging to Alexandria seeing him this way, being helpful and happy. It was exactly what she wanted, but would it still be the same once she told him the truth? She still had her reservations, but Joey had the right to know what was going on in her life, in their lives.
“I have something I want to tell you, but you must understand I have many reservations about this.”
“I’m here, Alexandria. It’s ok.”
She wanted to say something witty about how that wasn’t the case twenty years ago. “You broke my heart once, and I know, you ripped it open and told me everything. I need to know you will be here all the time. I don’t want any half truths and I won’t stand for any lies.”
“I am here for you, Alexandria. You know I want to be…”
“Thedoctorsaidtheultrasoundmeasuresmeatfourmonthsandthereismorethanonefetus.”
Her bowl dropped onto the table and rolled a bit as she walked away. She said it so quickly Alexandria thought he might not have understood her. She looked back into the kitchen, but he was gone. The back door was open but he was nowhere to be seen.
It was happening all over again. The sound of his tires speeding across her driveway forced her to run to the front of the house to see his truck fish tailed out of sight. He was gone and she was alone. Again. It wasn’t what she expected but she would learn to deal. She had before, this wouldn’t be so different. Accept it already was.
Alexandria rocked back and forth before she mustered up the courage to go outside. Walking along the water’s edge, she thought about her options. She could retire, live off her savings and her pension. She could become a contractor, like she was back east and make even better money than she was now. There was always the option of transferring to a unit in the capitol, but she doubt they would accept a pregnant cop.
A vehicle was coming down the driveway, probably Langley, she thought. The last check on her list: tell Langley she would be a big sister. Alexandria kicked off her shoes and rolled up her pants. Stepping slowly out into the lake, her body adjusted to the temperature. This probably wasn’t a good idea, but she hadn’t had many of those in a while. There were footsteps coming up from behind her, fast.
“You’re going to catch a cold!” Joey scolded her, picking her up quickly. He carried her to his truck and threw her into the passenger seat, next to the bouquet of white and red roses. He gave her a fierce kiss before closing the door.


 [M1]Wordy
 [M2]Wordy
 [M3]Wordy
 [M4]Mute Fabio
 [M5]Rigged plot; to mute
 [M6] Explain this as ex
 [M7]Complicate her emotions
 [M8] Make It two conquests so he’s not an asshole
 [M9]Turn into dreamstate grammar
 [M10]Overkill; never trick reader
 [M11]Pathetic fallacy; cut
 [M12]Cut
 [M13]Allusion or part of Alex’s life?
 [M14]Purpose
 [M15]Cut
 [M16]Why
 [M17]Make this Alex’s point of view
 [M18]Langley moves with her, but put her someplace else, not living with Alexandria
 [M19]Hate towards the ex?
 [M20] Lousy
 [M21]Give Langley some attitude
 [M22] Delete. He’s not Sinatra
 [M23]Over simplifying Alexandria & Joey
 [M24]Purpose?
 [M25]Not just Alexandria’s sexual desire vs Alexandria’s feeling burnt, re: male sexual desire. Why over simplifying?
 [M26]Too cartoony
 [M27] [M27] Dangling modifier
 [M29]More specific since she’s one of the authorities
 [M30]All Plot
 [M32] Alex is overcompensating. Make It seem like “not at the office.”
 [M33]Unless Alex is aware she’s over compensating
 [M34]Not credible
 [M35]So she’s slept with Joey?
 [M36]Re: job; not re: Joey
 [M37]Clarify, not re: Joey and femininity lack; Joey & ex broke Alexandria’s heart so she is a sucker?
 [M38]Wordy
 [M39] Cut. Make Joey tell her about his past.
 [M40]So he left and came back?
 [M41]Wordy
 [M42] [M42] Make the lunch scene a dialogue
 [M43] Cut. Too much
 [M44] Cut
 [M45] Does she love him enough to tell him the truth.
 [M46] Cut pages 11, 12, 13, 14
 [M47]Could cut
 [M48]NO!
 [M49] Earlier in story with dialogue
 [M50]Useful?
 [M51] Cut
 [M52] Cut
 [M53]No Dr. Phil
 [M54]POV Error